SADNESS

I've always struggled during the holidays. I thought it was because of the distance between mom and I, then I blamed it to SAD, then to the mean reds...

I grew up celebrating Christmas with a huge family around me -- grandma had 10 kids, each of them had their big families (with one of them having also 10 kids), so the amount of cousins I got to play and hang out during the holidays was quite awesome! Ever since I moved to the US that part of my life changed significantly. The family members celebrating around me decreased, the days got extremely colder, and the piñatas y posadas disappeared. When my man and I started our life together, the American Christmas celebrations were both, foreign and intimidating. I was in the middle of a huge transition (becoming accustomed to the American ways and becoming pregnant with my first child), so the thought of big celebrations with tons of family members wasn't really in my priorities. I embraced what was in front of me without questioning.

As the years passed, my babies grew, I fully became a housewife, and a professional, I started longing for those celebrations. The busyness, the loudness, the chaotic surroundings, and the worry of whether there was a bed big enough for the guests were deeply missed. Last year the mean reds hit me hard. As the Grinch, I was trying to sabotage Christmas, I tried to talk my hubby into skipping the tree, I tried to have him buy one present only for the kids and I forbidden him to buy me anything at all. My attempt was unsuccessful. Two days before Christmas we took a trip to the hardware store to buy some paint when the kids and him talked me into buying a small tree. A day latter my beautiful girl asked me to take her to the store because she wanted to look for gifts for her little brother and dad (she had been saving her money for quite a while). I felt aweful for trying to take that away from her...

You must experience sadness to experience fully joy.

This year's Christmas tree is up, the weather has been pretty nice (feels like spring), and I think I have finally made peace with the holidays. Today I am grateful for sadness, because I now truly understand that you must experience sadness to experience fully joy. Today, I welcome both, sadness and joy without hesitation nor guilt. And I am grateful for this and past holidays that encouraged me to do spontaneous crafts, goofy dancing, twinkling lights, family stories, drink delicious eggnog, and yes long for mom.

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